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Oras Torian, Gumos Corbas, Jacarutu   
08:10pm 17/06/2008
 
mood: working
music: 311 - Brodels
In a new apartment. Have been here for a while now, my things mostly still packed and making my room an uninhabitable place. Of course, sleeping there is comfortable. Even computing there can be comfortable for a while, though I've found better use for laptop, even with a borrowed sort of case.

Some new foci over the last couple of years.

Sociability has vastly increased, with seemingly no real stimulus. Bravery must come from somewhere, as I'm not much of a believer in the self existing in a vacuum, no matter how ethereal the thing may be.

Compliments have become more frequent in my direction, and I think my output has vastly decreased, attempting to show my appreciation in a way that doesn't so resemble what confuses me as a receiver.

And honesty has become incredibly important, almost an obsession. It wheedles its tentacles and feelers into all, and makes every action for me give me some ethical pause or consideration, from taking a walk for its own enjoyment to considering therapy. Or what ideas to communicate. Who to vote for. Whether to vote in a primary. Who I involve myself with.

1: Woke up.
2: Went home.
3: Slept another hour, after pondering over pornography and comics on a rare, rare occasion.
4: Applying for work. 1, 2, 3.
5: Talk about a puppy that isn't mine and isn't living with me, and a puppy isn't anyone's anyway, but legally.
6: Three glasses.
7: Telephone calls.
8: Telephone calls.
9: Breaching consideration and smoking on the patio.
10: Act now.
11: Took Leah on an errand.
12: Cash. A rarity.
13: Watched an ethnographer ethnography.
14: Took Pat to his apartment.
15: Thought on the nature of a friendship.
16: Cold and hot stone.
17: Appointment. Sun glasses. Compliments.
18: Cooking out.
19: Projected future, pool, or bowling, or, or, or...

"The Americans who are the most efficient people on earth...have invented so wide a range of pithy and hackneyed phrases that they can carry on a...conversation without giving a moment's reflection to what they are saying and so leave their minds free to consider more important matters of big business and fornication." - W. Somerset Maugham		  
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How to putte Questions to the Dark and understand its Answeres   
11:59pm 13/08/2007
 
mood: lonely
music: Ugly Casanova - Ice on the Sheets
And after several terrible years, I discovered, to my dismay, that I had woken up.

1: Wake.
2: No, no. I have plans today.
3: Search for plans.
4: Plans seem to have fizzled, or have been only a phantom in the first place.
5: Fake nap.
6: No progress.
7: Delicious pizza.
?: Talk with Gabe about odd relationship intensities.
8: Eventually, groceries.
9: Repeated vapid implicit calculations of wages.
10: Insert budget time.
11: A touch of pink.
?: Hello, Kyle MacLachlan as Spirit of Cary Grant.
12: Take Leah home.
13: Look South.
14: What's this?
15: A useful web site? Haven't seen one of those in a while.
?: Reading book on porch after tripping in dark on two stairs and plastic construction protection.
16: Wake?
17: See cat on poster and French; advertissement?

"Dreams surely are difficult, confusing, and not everything in them is brought to pass for mankind. For fleeting dreams have two gates: one is fashioned of horn and one of ivory. Those which pass through the one of sawn ivory are deceptive, bringing tidings which come to nought, but those which issue from the one of polished horn bring true results when a mortal sees them." - Homer, The Odyssey		  
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Conveyance by Honesty; I Was Already Reading Between the Lines   
02:32am 24/04/2007
 
mood: pensive
music: The Flower Kings - Black and White
What an embarrassing day and time to show what I'm like when I'm genuinely angry and frustrated.

And what an odd way to discover what about those kinds of feelings, as manifested in me, has changed. Apparently I just keep getting more bizarre.

I wonder what I'll be like at 80. I don't know about all of this 'poring over tomes' nonsense, not that I would put it past me. This stuff with book and typewriter; ha. What a smile, Old Man Boyd, even then, whatever happens, even now.

1: We wake, assuming certain things.
2: So, for some time beforehand.
3: I learn the same way I've always learned.
4: Something weird goes on in the human mind on the level of learning.
5: I think it's more than just language.
6: Snow Lion. Thai iced tea.
7: Sweet tea?
8: Thoughts of very tall rocks; ocean in the winter, snow, and fog.
9: So, thoughts of the Long Island, and what seems like a long, long time ago.
10: So, thoughts of what could have been.
11: We cannot just be satisfied, no.
12: And that's the mystery? That is all?
13: Is it what we must do instead...
14: ...or how we must choose to describe it to those we love?
15: I could go on.
16: Ceremony.
17: Where from here?
18: Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra.
19: That... might be a good way to put what I'm trying to say.
20: O, I'm going to look back at that one a year from now and wince, for several reasons.
21: Ashleigh and Pat. I was promised Nick and Jess, but they lie.
22: It is not cold and clammy outside!
23: Not even now, in the wee hours!
24: Your move, tiny.
25: For now, Darmok on the ocean.

"In life we don’t get what we want, we get in life what we are. If we want more we have to be able to be more, in order to be more you have to face rejection." - Farrah Gray		  
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Fear & Overcoming Fear   
01:08pm 20/04/2007
 
mood: hyper
music: Espers - Byss & Abyss
( Fascinating! Stimulating! )

Probably too long and repetetive for you to read! And thank all of you for not getting all flustered with me!

1: Wake.
2: Smoke.
3: Next Generation.
4: Planning, goals. Planning goals.
5. Grace!
6: Hannah!
7: Leah!

"The incompetent with nothing to do can still make a mess of it." - Laurence J. Peter		  
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Where the Ghost Children, At Play, Always, Always, Always the Same   
03:46am 19/04/2007
 
mood: sad
music: The Mars Volta - El Ciervo Vulnerado
Born to predict, and to understand. That's everyone I've ever met, including myself, yet we're all getting very tied up in other things. Probably best, to some degree, that there be some variety on this, as other, points of human quality.

Still, there are very few people who consistently trouble me at particular times. It ain't the obviously suicidal, and it doesn't really need to be those, however temporarily, who prove themselves malicious or of malicious intent. It's those, like times past and times ahead for myself, who fall so consistently and recognizably into a pattern that there is no longer any guessing what will happen once circumstances will arise, and though new learning comes about, all change seems to be one-sided.

I'm falling out of favor with familial luck; perhaps I rely too much on notions of family outside of the bonds of blood and upraising. All I know is I am no one I know's father, yet sometimes, I find myself feeling both helpless and fatherly, pained, and probably offensive for one of those things. Let's see who can guess which one.

In any case, on other fronts, this whole mess is turned on its head, and I find myself quite comfortable. Never did I expect it could feel so comfortable or, for that matter, reciprocal.

1. Wake.
2. What to expect?
3. Ow, my cigarettes.
4. New day coming; more Star Trek.
5. Not much music today, sister sky;
6. Caw-caw, rare rare comma bird.
7. Hook, claw, hook, claw.
8. Took a walk with Leah.
9. Annoyed, for the first real time, with frustration with living with Tom.
10. Oddly, this at the moment he starts to feel most vulnerable and familiar.
11. That's unusual, particularly for me, now.
12. Problem solved.
13. Far, far too many cigarettes.
14. Hibachi grill, Julia seems uncomfortable, and I give awkward droning weird descriptions.
15. You know, to see what Logan comes up with.
16. A bottle of wine, slowly.
17. Levi's tape-car begins to be towed. Adam writes a check, sneaks it via Stacey(sp?).
18. Whoops. How'd I miss, all this time, how to spell her particular name?
19. Wal-Mart.
20. As if at your mercy.
21. A good exploration of why my ego should not be stroked too heavily.
22. Thoughts of Pat.
23. Short, dismissive conversation with Alison.
24. Smokey bones.
25. Amputechture.
26. Time in, time out.
27. Good morning, my kingdom, Eastibloomingtown.
28. Kindling.

"Peace is when time doesn't matter as it passes by." - Maria Schell		  
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In the Room Where the Trees Grow, Something Happens   
02:39am 15/04/2007
 
mood: satisfied
music: The Go! Team - Bottle Rocket
I was sitting around with Alison, Ashleigh, Comma, Jessica, and Patrick late late, and I realized I am happy to know the people I do, at least to some degree. Thank you to all of you people I know. You sort of understand, and that's good enough for anyone, including me, who sort of understands.

1. Wake.
2. Pistle, a pestle.
3. Text messages to Tennessee.
4. Northwest modern times.
5. Thoughts on hypothetical situations.
6. Fitting myself like a glove.
7. Fixed my bedding.
8. Uninstalled Half Life 2 mods that I never use.
9. Organized media on my computer.
10. Discovered and rediscovered music.
11. Took a walk or two.
12. Discussed D&D. Did some actual thinking on a campaign.
13. A girl; twirl.
14. I don't, and that isn't negotiable.
15. Some other, more negotiable things.
16. Mean moods.
17. Thoughts of late night drives; it's been a long time since I've found those enjoyable and stimulating with anyone but me.
1818. Text message from the opera.
18. In the McDonald's. They threw away two hamburgers.
19. What else are they throwing away?
20. Epistle, a pestle.
21. See the Bible.
22. Walked into the weather, earlier.
23. I say, what small fingers.
24. Where is the piano; where the guitar strings?
25. Where the man who plays a cow in that new play?
26. Where the hill, where she sings?
27. Ripping a file from a file mounted as a dvd-thing, and only very indirectly.
28. It takes forever.
29. Goodnight, my heart.
30. Goodnight, dark side of the moon.
31. And to you, my friends.

"Waste not fresh tears over old griefs." - Euripides		  
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Tales of Fever   
10:00am 06/03/2007
 
mood: rejuvenated
music: John Vanderslice - Pale Horse
I spent a delirious night after a delirious afternoon sleeping, watching Star Trek: The Next Generation after baking a cake, all of this followed by uncomfortable attempts at sleep. Of course, once sleep came, there was the occasional need to get up to go to the bathroom, as I had had more water than the ocean.

Now, the feeling of having a fever, I think, is pretty amazing. Even one's eyes feel hot, when they're closed, when they're open. The brain feels like it's swelling, but there's no sort of headache. Moreover, I feel much nicer than usual, and this is probably the most uncomfortable feeling.

In the middle of the night, I woke to find myself very, very thirsty, and very very hot (and feeling almost blind, to boot, as well as delirious). Following was my using the restroom, and then finding myself waking up from passed out on the bathroom floor, then next to my laptop in the living room, next to the front mat, in the kitchen with a piece of plastic on my face, and finally, drinking water in my room.

However, it should be comforting to folks to know that the reason I think I kept passing out was because my fever had broken, and I was dehydrated.

I feel much better now. Time to drink more water.

1: When they ask me what I saw?
2: I'll go on.

"The most dangerous strategy is to jump a chasm in two leaps." - Benjamin Disraeli		  
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And Then, After   
06:18am 02/03/2007
 
mood: tired
music: The Black Eyed Peas - My Humps
Well, this is not the time of the morning to wake up. I woke up at nearly 4 PM yesterday.

And now, 6:18 in the morning, and I find myself at my laptop in the living room, a body strewn across the floor under a cover, a gay man obsessed with Norwegian reading what else, Norwegesk, and The Black Eyed Peas' My Humps playing, among many others, while a friend reads about sexual disfunctions while studying for abnormal psychology.

I, of course, just took a shower.

Soon my roommate will wake up and wonder again, "Just what the fuck is going on?"

1: So real.
2: So real.
3: SO Reeaall.

"The best cure for worry, depression, melancholy, brooding, is to go deliberately forth and try to lift with one's sympathy the gloom of somebody else." - Arnold Bennett		  
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I Seen a Ghost   
06:52pm 20/12/2006
 
mood: okay
music: Red House Painters - I'm Sorry
I seen a ghost last night, I thinks. I walked out, down the road for a smoke, and there in the field I scanned cross the horizon. Twisty little leaf-vein-like branches, swimming a bit just above the surface of the crest of the hill, the field in front of my house. Didn't think about it much at the time.

Then I looked out there just earlier, and there you have it, there it is, nothing. Between the two beams of treeline, where the tree used to stand, nothin' but blank air. Used to look like the opening of Nova in the morning, you know? But there it were, gone, and I remembered the tree died and there were brambles and branches floatin' beneath its corpse. Makes you think.

1: Wake.
2: Delivered.
3: Talked to father.
4: Posted this ad for my iriver H10 5GB audio player. If I know you (ie, you're reading this on your friends page, or we're friends otherwise), I'd be willing to sell the player to you for a reduced price. Just let me know if you're interested in buying.
5: Snakes, ghosts.
6: Think about my dog, carrying around a deer head in its mouth.
7: Sleepy jingles.
8: Lazy forests.

"He makes people pleased with him by making them first pleased with themselves." - Lord Chesterfield		  
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Patrick's Late Night Grand Piano Parlor   
04:52am 05/12/2006
 
mood: awake
music: Natalie Walker - No One Else (Amalgamation of Soundz Remix)
It's late, as always these days, and I'm occasionally hearing Patrick's piano-playing over whatever I'm listening to on Last.fm radio. Time passes slowly, and I'm starting to wonder how easy it might be to convince teachers of variety to let me take their courses as independent-study as reasonable, for there is something inherent in having to go to class that confuses me and discourages me from my work. But there are a number of other factors as well, none of which are all that easy to deal with on their own.

Look at Patrick, not far from Burke. I said things would work out in the end and, as I always am when I'm the one drawing the lines and marking the finish line, I was correct. To the now.

What when how why, I wonder if Cody and Alison are snuggled away in conversation, or falling into conspicuous love. No opinion on that matter. Seems it could go this way or that.

If it wasn't for other days, I'd think there was no change in the winds.

1: Word-smithing.
2: While.
3: Wanton womly.
4: Wordy wakjerz.
5: Gramity.
6: Is making me crazy.
7: That's what they're calling it.
8: Well, a couple of hours to go.
9: Play it again, Patrick.

"If you can't have faith in what is held up to you for faith, you must find things to believe in yourself, for a life without faith in something is too narrow a space to live." - George E. Woodberry		  
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iIi   
09:48pm 03/09/2006
  Two bleed too worlds together, where actions speak louder than fish, and complete certainty is the only comfort in the face of overriding doubt and disaffection.

Fragments of fragments; again, saltare oblivium, i thusili mar maren medoren.

Well, for one, it is giving me a massive yet dull headache. In my case, these amount to what I would call migraines, and they'll waft and wane just like they always do. They also, in some ways, make me a better counsel, and in others a more distant friend. Not exactly what I or my friends needed, but we'll make do all the same.

It means I've escaped that 'worms-for-brains' feel and am walking in a valley where there is nothing but surrender and the unfortunate inability to describe anything I'm capable of as surrender. So, you could say that, in this place, at least, I suffer for the language barrier (more than in others I've been in, at least).

All-in-all, I turn to the Litany Against Fear. And as always, the Lord is there, just over my shoulder. It's of no consequence whether his hand is touching that same shoulder, or if when I turn I will find him not there. I will not turn yet; I will look ahead. And when I do turn the inner eye, well... you know the rest.

1: Woke. Flax in the morning.
2: Puzzles, alone.
3: Eyes and motion and light.
4: And as always, remains the same.
5: Borrowing.
6: I turn the inner eye and I am playing with tops.
7: I turn the inner eye and I am cut.
8: i thusili mar maren medoren
9: saltare oblivium.
10: Goodnight, friends; now is not the time for the words of other men.		  
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10:51am 17/07/2006
 
mood: good
music: Phish - Twist
Well, after some spurring and some organizational thought, my class schedule for fall has come in. It includes:

Elementary Arabic I,
Languages of the World,
The Foundations of Cognitive Science,
The Black Death,
and The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire.

And that's subject to some change, I'm sure. But I'm still happy to be in school at all.

1: Nudge.
2: Wake.
3: Game.
4: No.

"O, it is excellent to have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous to use it like a giant." - William Shakespeare		  
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And Then, Nearly My Worst Nightmare   
12:18pm 13/07/2006
 
mood: worried
music: A Perfect Circle - Three Libras
In the last few months or so, I've had the most terrible and dread-filled dreams. Sometimes I remember them, and sometimes I don't quite. I'll chalk this up to some ridiculous notion like karma, or some other cyclical matter that's psychological or physiological.

What I find difficult to reconcile, however, is what I just discovered.

"Boyd" is not Scandinavian at all, according to the internet. It's probably Gaelic in origin. Scottish, to be exact, and so not as bad as it could be.

I could be walking around with a name like "Burke" or "Paedrig", or some other Irish filth ridiculousness.

1: Beautiful, terrible dream about crinkly, shiny little plastic demons, betrayal, Victorian and Elizabethan-wear, a man with seven fingers on his right hand, and the world about to fall as a possessed woman suddenly realized her dream of dark godhood.
2: Sunshine.

"The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all." - H.L. Mencken		  
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05:42pm 18/06/2006
 
mood: cynical
music: Jane's Addiction - Trip Away
I have associated with people who, as entirely separate matters:

a) ...despise me.
b) ...act foolishly as a rule.

I will have no more of that. But really, I'm repeating myself, so onwards.

I'm attending IU in part because it's the worldly thing to do, and partly because it's the current thing to do. That being said, I'm enjoying it more than I ever enjoyed classes at Purdue. I think this has less to do with the classes, or even the environment, than it might at first appear.

After all, now I have myself, and when could I have said that before?

1: Woke.
2: Lulled.
3: Took a walk.
4: Read more Memoirs of a Geisha in place of walky thinking.
5: (In place of all else but.)
6: Drowned my sorrows in water.
7: Cautiously, but thoroughly, checked my internet.
8: Fantasized about being King of Bloomington.
9: That's again, not primely.
10: Do you wander in strange ways of speaking?
11: Now thinking on the bird that flew in the window of my car yesterday, while I drove down the interstate.
12: Now thinking of the strange TXT message conversation that occurred on the way back to Bloomington.
13: Now wondering what it must be like to be a stripper.
14: Probably not much different from not being a stripper, I gather.
15: I have a tendency to ignore details, of course, given the view that all things different are really just the same.
16: Speaking of, back to living that life and seeing those people who despise me.

"The creation of something new is not accomplished by the intellect but by the play instinct acting from inner necessity. The creative mind plays with the objects it loves." - Carl Jung		  
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Shotgun   
12:13pm 08/06/2006
 
mood: chipper
music: Jerry Reed - Amos Moses
If you comment on this post:
1.  I'll respond with something random about you.
2.  I'll challenge you to try something.
3.  I'll pick a color that I associate with you.
4.  I'll tell you something i like about you.
5.  I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6.  I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7.  I'll ask you something I’ve always wanted to ask you.		  
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So Positive   
05:45pm 13/05/2006
 
mood: lonely
music: Tegan and Sara - All You Got
I am in a fine mood, now that I am in Bloomington. Me and this town go way back, and now I live here.

Good tidings, all, as I've just had fine Tibetan cuisine.

1: More, more, more.
2: In gourds.

"Without tenderness, a man is uninteresting." - Marlene Dietrich

( So Positive! )		  
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Eagle's Splendor, Cat's Grace   
08:47am 22/04/2006
 
mood: impressed
music: Centro-Matic - All the Lightning Rods
It was a satisfying day, all told.

"It's too late for the Golden Mean." - H.P. Nightly

1: Wake.
2: Eat.
3: Work-think.
4: Work.
5: Think.
6: Sun!
7: McMuffins!
8: Regina Spektor.
9: Crashing, hollow years.
10: King Mallamooka joins his brothers in the communal fishbowl, saying goodbye forever to the grave of his sister.
11: Hm. What a woman.
12: One-thousand points of light.
13: Guitar strings.
14: Serene.

"He felt about books as doctors feel about medicines, or managers about plays - cynical, but hopeful." - Dame Rose Macauley, Crewe Train		  
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When One Needs to Calm Down   
06:39am 29/03/2006
 
mood: stressed
music: They Might Be Giants - Sensurround
Having no outlet for stress and friends who won't speak to me is torturous, but I suppose I should just deal with it and move on, as a healthy person would.

I just got home from work early, as I brokedown crying after being shown I had stocked some toilet paper in the wrong place. I'm still crying now, an hour later.

Note: Edited so as to remove vulgarity and bitterness.

1: Work.

"The people I distrust most are those who want to improve our lives but have only one course of action." - Frank Herbert		  
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Adam, Confused   
04:48pm 11/03/2006
 
mood: confused
music: Tegan and Sara - Walking With the Ghost
Attention: This is an open opportunity to speak your mind.

It's not the first time for sorrow, certainly, but it's become more and more obvious to me that I should say something on the subject.

What happened between Mallory and I over the last few years was good at times and awful at times, and I find it a hideous trait of mine, even on the rare occasion I do take direct responsibility for things, that it is not always obvious that I have done so. I apologize to any this has affected, and that it was mostly the bad bits that spilled over.

The incident involving Mallory at Pat's house, in which I physically forced her out of the house and then spent time shenanigizing and yelling outside of the house with her, was a little more than regrettable, but ultimately it has felt better to me as time has gone on. The important part, as least as far as I've seen it, is to remember how ridiculously I acted and to, you know, try to improve on that part of myself in the future.

Unfortunately it has not been in any way that "easy" to repair relationships, and I find the time I spent alone working on myself probably didn't improve matters. I'm not sure what people think, and I'm not usually one to harass (as when I've gotten overly-fixated in the past, it's only ever ended badly), but it seems, even if not intentionally so, a bit unfair that the willingness of folk to stay in touch with me has almost literally, in some cases, dropped to zero.

I hate to feel sorry for myself, and I don't, really. I just sort of wonder if I should expect some of the nonsense to blow over, be discussed, and/or be considered a good stopping point for certain friendships.

I am truly sorry, in any case, to anyone I have hurt. Hurtfulness was never my intention, and I'm willing to discuss the matter, the world, the weather, to anyone. I get the feeling I may just be misunderstanding the situation, but I'm honestly a little clueless in some ways, so it's hard for me to tell at first.

If I have been an irritant, seemingly uncooperative, or deaf to advice, that is again, not my intention. I think somewhere along the line I have been characterized as stubborn, immature, and crazy, and I simply don't feel that way. Immature, yes.

1: Woke up to Patcall.
2: Got copy of apartment key.
3: Shower.
4: Wonder.
5: Home drivin'.
?: I would like to note that I taste blood in my mouth, and it is unpleasant.
6: Morrowind installin'.
7: Listenin', talkin', walkin'.
8: Balkin'.

"Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and immature." - Tom Robbins		  
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River Go Run!   
07:18pm 01/03/2006
 
mood: lethargic
music: Bob Marley - Iron Lion Zion
Condensed, here we have...

My Johari.
My Nohari.

Fin.

1: Considering the past few days.
2: Hours and hours spent watching media.
3: Hours and hours spent reading and listening to music.
4: Not as much time walking.
5: Out of balance.
6: Here I go.
7: And, with an update, I get back from walkabout, get back from long play, and bam. Night falls.
8: Home Depot calls.
9: Soon to be un-unemployed, for the remainder of the semester.

"Welcome everything that comes to you, but do not long for anything else." - Andre Gide		  
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terriblyinept
 
 
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